Brenda and Jennifer Ch. 08

Big Dicks

“Jen?”

“Brenda?”

They were both caught off-guard…stunned…suddenly unsure of themselves after all the build-up, all the anticipation. Instead of a dramatic encounter, the two cyber-lovers had stumbled into each other in the mall parking lot…not ready…tangled up with emotions and doubt. They both froze and said nothing.

Brenda finally broke the silence, still sitting with her van door open. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Then quiet again.

Brenda tried again. She even smiled a little. “Um…I can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” Jen crossed her arms and scratched lightly with her fingers.

“Um…this is awkward.” Brenda still had her seatbelt on. The car was beeping from the keys still in the ignition.

“Yah.”

More quiet. Then suddenly they both laughed. Not big hearty laughs, but just enough to break the tension, the awkwardness.

“Wow,” said Brenda. She pulled out the keys.

“It’s so weird to actually see you.”

“And to see you.”

“Here in the parking lot.”

“Yah,” Brenda answered. She hesitated and went on. “I was just kinda sitting here.”

“Me too,” Jen quickly replied. “I was…I mean…I was just sitting too.”

“Yah.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“I still can’t either.”

They went on, stumbling, repeating, not quite sure what to say. The initial surprise was wearing off…replaced by excitement…but also the feelings…the doubt…the guilt…that had left them in their cars.

It was coming back…coming back strong.

“Brenda…” Jen hesitated. “I…I don’t know what to say…I…I…”

Brenda looked at Jen…not too directly…but enough to make eye contact…and quietly said, “It’s okay, Jen.” She paused and then went on: “It’s me.”

“I know….it’s just so weird.”

“But it’s still us…we can say anything. It’s different but it’s still us.”

“Yah,” said Jen.

“But, yah….it is pretty weird,” agreed Brenda. Suddenly they could see each other…every facial expression…the looks of concern, hesitancy…even fear. No longer just the words on the screen…but two real people with a million unspoken complexities neither had seen before.

They were quiet for a bit…frozen in the parking lot…Brenda still in the van…Jen fidgeting badly on her feet. Then Jen took a deep breath and decided to spill it all. “Brenda….” She stopped again and looked away.

Brenda looked down and away too. “It’s okay.”

Not having to look made Jen feel a little braver. “Brenda…I am feeling totally guilty…I don’t think I can do this.”

Brenda paused for a beat and then quickly said, “Jen….me too.”

“Oh man, really?”

“Yah…really.”

Now the words began to gush out of Jen like air deflating from a balloon. “Like….I have so loved doing all this stuff with you but this feels really really bad and wrong.”

“Yah, I know,” answered Brenda quietly.

“I mean…I feel so screwed up sometimes….it’s been fun but now I feel like I’m really crossing the line…something way beyond the stuff I’ve done.”

Beat. “Me too.”

Jen paused. “Really?”

“Really.” Another pause. They still looked away from each other. “Like it’s real cheating now.”

“Yah.”

“Real sex.”

“Yah.”

“I can’t just turn off the computer and pretend nothing happened.”

“No.”

Now they began to glance a bit at each other…two deflated balloons. adana escort They felt a little better…but also more empty, more emotionally exhausted.

“I mean,” said Jen, “it’s definitely been…um…interesting…and I think you’re a really cool person.” She wondered what else she could say…still standing in the middle of a parking lot.

“Oh thanks…” said Brenda, “Um….I feel that way too about you. Totally.”

They were quiet again.

“So….” said Brenda.

“So…” said Jen. They each laughed a little again…nervously.

“Maybe…we should…do you want to just leave then?” asked Brenda. “Like, just forget this happened?”

“Um…” said Jen. One instinct said yes, go away. Another said no, stay. Stay and….talk. And it seemed to be the guilty side that said to stay. “Um, I guess…or…”

Brenda didn’t say anything.

“Or…maybe we could just…just talk?” Jen asked. “Talk…just about all this stuff. Like, what it’s doing to us.”

Brenda was quiet. Then she said, very softly, “I think I’d like that.”

Jen began to almost feel okay. So did Brenda.

They were still talking through the open van door. Jen pointed at it and said, “Maybe…sit down somewhere?” She continued, “somewhere private…not the coffee shop.”

“Yah,” Brenda laughed. “Not sure I want to talk with other people around.” She looked around the parking lot…not a lot of options. She paused. “Want to just sit here in the van with me?”

Jen had visions of suddenly being driven off by this near-stranger. “Um…sure.” It actually sounded pretty good. It was quiet and private. And they wouldn’t have to look each other in the eye… She walked around the front of the van and opened the door, while Brenda cleared praise CDs off the seat.

Jen settled in and they both looked a bit sideways at each other…bodies forward…necks turned…just enough eye contact.

More silence.

Then Brenda spoke. “Yah…I almost didn’t come today.”

“Me neither,” said Jen. “I could…I could barely sleep last night.”

“Oh man…me too.”

“I mean…” Now Jen felt braver. “I mean…it’s stupid, Brenda. We….we fucked online…but now it feels totally wrong to do it for real. It’s stupid.” She was amazed to hear her own words.

“Yah…we’ve fucked online,” repeated Brenda. It wasn’t erotic…just a statement of fact.

“So why the hell is it really different to do it in person?” asked Jen. Her normal self-censorship had vanished. She thought it..she said it.

“I don’t know,” said Brenda. “But it is.”

“Yah.”

“Like…lust and sex are all the same, whether it’s for real or in your mind.”

“Like the Bible says.” Jen couldn’t believe she had said that.

“Yah,” said Brenda. “In Matthew.” She continued. “Jen, I know exactly where you are coming from…especially about all that.” They were both…you know…and yet were into all this. It was their deepest, almost unspoken bond.

“Oh, I know, Brenda…you always have. You have always understood”

Brenda laughed a little. It was a real laugh.

“So why do I…we…do all this?” said Jen. She was ready to laugh…but also to cry.

Brenda bit her lip and said, “I have no idea.”

“Like…it’s society…culture…everything…telling us to have sex…no strings attached…just sex, sex, sex.” The words came easily to Jen..she adana escort bayan had said them to herself so many times.

“Yah….I know,” said Brenda. Tears started to form in her eyes.

Jen’s own eyes were reddening. “Yah.”

They tried to hold back but the sniffles started coming. “It’s like….” Brenda said, “it’s like….I try so hard…I really try so hard…I pray about it…everything…but I can’t stop.”

“I…I know..Brenda.” A tear ran down Jen’s cheek.

“Is it…is it guilt…or brainwashing…” Brenda paused and let the words linger…between tears and sniffles.

“Some say it’s just some hangup we have to get over…” Jen said.

Brenda straightened up. “That is bullshit.”

“Yah.”

“Like…fuck anyone…and cut it off from emotions.”

“Or pretend you can keep all the different stuff in your head…that it can all work together.”

“Bullshit,” Brenda repeated herself.

“Maybe it works for some people…but yah, I agree…not for me,’ Jen said.

“Yah…maybe it does, but not me either.”

They were quiet again. The tears had stopped…replaced by…almost anger…frustration…anger at themselves.

Jen continued. “It’s bullshit either way isn’t it….pretend sex is no big deal…or pretend you can just be happy and married and not want anything else…isn’t it?”

“Yup,” said Brenda.

“And sometimes…I just…we just…want to have some fun where nobody gets hurt…” said Jen. “Including ourselves.” She paused again. “Right?”

Brenda turned and looked at her. “Yup again.” Silence. Then she asked, “But do you think that’s possible?”

Jen replied from the depths of her soul. “No.”

“Me neither,” said Brenda. “I mean…I want it so badly to be that way…but…”

“It can’t…it won’t…I mean…not with us..”

“I know.” A tear again.

“I mean…Brenda…” Jen took a breath. “I want so badly for us to be lovers…” She meant it. She could feel…the arousal…

Brenda started to cry.

“But…I…you…we know….”

“It doesn’t work that way,” choked Brenda.

Jen began to cry too. They sat in the van…crying…emotionally draining themselves…yet so alive too…reaching an intimacy they had never had before.

“Holy shit…I want to fuck right now,” said Brenda. “But..”

“Me too,” said Jen. “But…yah…”

“Jen…I’m not going to even though I totally want to. I mean, I want to get naked and fuck and everything with you but I am…I am NOT going to.”

“Me neither. I mean, we have to stop, Brenda..we have to stop somewhere.”

“Absolutely.” Their bond was shared. They both meant every word they said.

They fell quiet. They looked at each other for a long time…smiling…sniffling…a little crying…and just looking…knowing…sharing their mutual bond.

The van was silent.

It was Brenda that reached out first…to gently stroke Jen’s knee…light and reassuring. Jen moved a bit closer…smiling at the touch…and soon her hand moved on top of Brenda’s.

The touch was beautiful…the first they had ever done…and just gentle…not sexual…but a loving, mutual, human touch…so tiny compared to the emotional rollercoaster they had been riding. Their hands kept moving…lightly…gently…

They shifted toward each other…still not saying anything.

Jen moved her other escort adana hand onto Brenda’s shoulder.

Brenda’s hand started to move faster..

They leaned close together…closed their eyes..and kissed. Not a friend’s kiss…not a deep lover’s kiss…but something intimate and special again. And they didn’t stop. Their hands and bodies came together…a lopsided mismatched hug over bucket sets and cupholders…feeling the electric touch of each other’s body…the bodies they had so exposed to each other’s minds and lusts.

They could feel each other’s curves and breasts and bodies and their own deep wetness…arousal…longing and lusting…but knew this wasn’t the place….the time…that it would never be.

But even as they touched and hugged and murmured without words…they remembered the flames of passion…the lust…the nakedness…the sex, sex, sex…mutual masturbation…the bare breasts…licking pussies. And they each thought…very hard…about just touching a little further…a little fondling…a little caressing…just a little…

But they didn’t. The touch was loving…wonderful…and almost magical…the way they knew just what to do…how far to go…perfectly responding to each other. And the other thoughts…very alive in the back of their minds…stayed there. Stayed there. Where they belonged.

Their lips separated…and they held each other gently for a while, eyes still closed. Then gently…feeling each other’s every move and response…they came apart…returning back…still quiet.

“Jen…that was perfect…just what I needed.”

“Oh yes.”

“Like…your touch…finally touching you…but still…you know…”

Jen laughed. “Totally.” Brenda laughed too. Rollercoaster.

Pause. More silence.

“So…” said Jen. “Maybe it’s…maybe it’s time to go.” She didn’t want to. She wanted this moment…this perfect moment…to last forever.

“Yeah,” said Brenda. “Yeah.” She went on, “But…”

Jen was quiet for a bit. Then she said, “But what are we going to do…about…”

“About all this…about us…”

“I have no idea.”

“Me neither.”

More quiet. Then Jen took her deepest breath yet. “Brenda…this is really stupid…but…” She paused.

“Anything, Jen.”

“Do you…want to pray? Really…quick.”

Brenda almost bawled. “Yes.”

Jen closed her eyes really quick and tight. “Jesus…Jesus, please help us know what to do..and to do it. Amen.”

Brenda added, “Yes, Lord…please. Please. Amen.”

They opened their eyes. Jen said, “I’d better go.” It was time. She wanted to get out of there, away…quick, fast.

“Yah,” said Brenda. “Um…well…let’s just see…okay?”

“Okay.” Jen opened the door.

“Bye….Jen.”

“Bye….Brenda…” They lingered and looked in each other’s eyes for one last time. Then they both laughed. Jen got out and closed the door.

She walked back over to her own van, looking back repeatedly at Brenda sitting in her driver’s seat. They waved as Jen got in. They turned their keys and drove…toward the same exit. Brenda was first at the light and waved out her window at Jen in her rear view mirror. Jen waved back and smiled. The light turned green and Jen watched as Brenda took the first onramp, and Jen the other.

Jen drove home in silence…no radio, no CDs…barely any thoughts. Just…what? Peace? A silent peace.

She and her hubby made love that night…their beautiful, mutual, perfect love between them.

She didn’t log on for three days…but finally…curious…and there was a quick note from Brenda:

“Hey Jen. Hope you’re doing well. Talk to you soon.”

They never chatted again.

THE END

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