Act Two


I’m somewhat fuzzy on the exact wording but am familiar with the thrust of the famous phrase, if you’ll pardon my pun. Chekov wrote: “If you have an oversized dildo in the first act, by the second, someone—lips parted, eyes screwed tightly shut, gasping for air—will find herself repeatedly impaled on it.” He should have said: “if you use mail order, make sure the company uses discreet packaging.” Who could possibly think that one wouldn’t? Or that they’d use a nearly illegible hand-written label?I faced a dilemma. When I’d answered the doorbell, a bored-looking courier asked if I’d been willing to sign for the “neighbor lady’s package”, to use his exact term. I wished that, like her, I hadn’t been home. Honestly, what kind of courier would see that parcel and then ask a neighbor to sign for it? My door closed, I looked more closely at the garish packaging, reading: “Includes Faux Leather Harness.”A mother and daughter had just moved in next door, in time for the start of the fall college term. We hadn’t been Ankara escort introduced. The package was addressed to Lucy Haines—or maybe Lucy Raines? Hard to say. But which one was she? The mother or the daughter?I decided to play it safe and just leave the package on their doorstep. I put it in a plastic shopping bag then started up their walkway. Almost at the door, I jumped when a car pulled into the driveway. A compact brunette about ten years younger than me got out. I waved.She introduced herself as Melanie. So, not the mother’s package.“Just call me Mel,” she said. “I spotted you outside the other day.” Her smile was warm.“Kelly,” I replied and twisted the grocery bag in my left hand, spinning it to close the top, then looping the cinched handle around my fist. I grasped Melanie’s extended hand.I could picture Lucy’s embarrassment if I’d left the package there for her mom to find. Still, what a torturous conversation for me. Trying to make small talk with a woman I’d just Ankara escort bayan met while holding her daughter’s sex toy in a thin plastic bag.She’d already done the conversational heavy lifting, by initiating the introductions, and sparing me from having to explain who I was.“Just being neighborly,” I squeaked, with an odd-sounding nervous laugh, my voice octaves higher than normal. My hand vaguely waved in the direction of my house. I was sweating, despite the pleasant fall temperature. When her eyes alit on the bag, panic struck. I retreated, hastily.“Shit. I…erm…sorry. I’ve left something on the stove.”I damn near sprinted away. I don’t think I would have moved that fast if there truly had been a risk of burning down the house.“Let’s get together soon,” she yelled after me. “I live with my daughter. You can meet her too.” Her voice Dopplered, I was moving away so rapidly.I waved distractedly with my hand, scurrying back into the safety of my home. No more illicit deliveries Escort Ankara for me, that day. In the safety of the foyer, I leaned against the closed door, laughing. God, I hadn’t been embarrassed like that in ages. She must have thought I was certifiable. My deranged laughter made me question if I was all there.The next day, Mel left for work early. I was up, wanting to pen a few pages, working on the first act of my new play. Lucy would leave the house much later, I expected, assuming she had the same class schedule as the previous day. I hadn’t seen her, just the back of her car as she’d pulled onto the street and drove away. No early mornings for her. I’d done the same thing when I was a student.Before lunch, I walked over, bag in hand. I rang the bell. When I heard the muffled sound of footsteps on the stairs, I wished that I’d resolved to simply leave the package on the doorstep. I didn’t want to embarrass the poor thing by doing this face-to-face. At the same time, I wasn’t going to take a chance on her mom finding the package first. I could just picture it: “Lucy, I decided to come home for lunch.” Hmm, she must have her headphones on. Then she’d open the bag. “Oh. What’s this?”With my vivid imagination, ringing and sprinting away didn’t seem like an option, as much as I’d wanted to.

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